The Zimventures 6: Somewhere in Time
by tusitalabruni
Summary: Not just Heroes and Jurassic Park! Cris Zim goes through The Time Machine, ID4, Back to the Future, The Fly, Transylvania 6-5000, Silverado, Have Gun Will Travel, Finding Forrester, James Bond, Dragonheart, Zardoz, Predator, Junior, Total Recall, Angel, Cthulhu, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Gunsmoke, Rawhide, Bill and Ted and Escape from New York. Seriously. A huge adventure!
1. Chapter 1

THE ZIMVENTURES #6:

SOMEWHERE IN TIME . . .

CHAPTER 1

PLAYING WITH ZIM'S HEAD

Naturally, it all began when Zim was sleeping. He dreamed about time traveling, as he sometimes did. Mostly he relived the nightmare of having to save Mad Dog DD's life, but every once in a while he remembered the glory of shooting DD in the first place. Sometimes those dreams were wet.

But this time he'd been transported to ancient Japan in his dream, which was completely strange as he'd never been there before, nor had he ever planned on being there. For some reason he saw himself fighting dinosaurs with a samurai sword. Even worse, he had a soul patch, and didn't that sound vaguely familiar? But he would never grow one, so he didn't give this dream much thought.

He felt himself take to the sky like Superman, and he floated in front of the T-rex's grim, yellow eyes. It lurched forward to snap him up in its jaws, and Zim plunged the sword into the roof of its mouth, piercing its pea-sized brain. Below him the other samurai chanted victory cries and bowed to the hero who had saved their lives. Drums beat loudly in celebration . . . except that wasn't part of the dream.

No. He opened his eyes and found himself in his room. Someone knocked on the door to the apartment, and he remembered that he was supposed to hang out with Fitz and Brandon for another fucking karaoke night. It was probably Brandon at the door, and he would no doubt torture the shit out of Zim. What a great way to start a miserable day.

"I'm coming! Goddammit!" Zim forced himself out of bed and staggered over to the door. The person on the other side had not stopped knocking. "If that's you, Brandon, I'm going to have Future Booze Jesus sodomize you! And he'll do it, too!"

The hammering did not cease. Zim, dressed only in his boxer shorts, flung the door open. "Fuck you, Brandon!"

It was not Brandon. Whoever this person was, he seemed official. He wore coveralls and a baseball cap so far down over his face that Zim could barely see the guy's nose. There was a badge on his collar, and he held a clipboard. Well, that cinched it. People with clipboards could be trusted.

"Sorry. I thought you were someone else."

"No apology necessary," the man said. "My name is Gabriel. Comcast sent me out to take a look at your cable connection. Are you Cris Zim?"

"Yeah. You probably want to talk to Fitz, though. He's my roommate, and he's usually in charge of this stuff."

"Fitz?" Gabriel seemed confused.

"John Fitzgerald. You probably have his name on that thing." Zim leaned forward to get a look at the clipboard.

Gabriel pulled back. "Ah yes. I see it here. May I come in?"

"I guess." Zim stepped aside. "Do whatever you have to do. I'm going back to sleep."

Gabriel removed the baseball cap, and his extraordinarily thick eyebrows went up. "Don't you want to keep an eye on me? I'm a total stranger."

"You're Gabriel from Comcast," Zim said. Besides, if this guy stole anything it would probably belong to Fitz. All of Zim's stuff was in his bedroom.

Gabriel closed the door behind him. "You're a very trusting soul, Mr. Zim."

"Call me Cris."

Gabriel set the clipboard down, and Zim had enough time to notice that the sheet of paper on it was blank. Gabriel said, "So . . . what is your ability?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Zim said.

Gabriel put his hat down on top of the clipboard. "Some of you can fly. Some of you can talk to machines. Once I even met a girl who could heal any wound."

Zim was half listening, so he didn't get Gabriel's drift. "Look, just fix whatever you need to fix, okay? I only got ten hours of sleep last night, so . . ."

"You have no idea as to who I am, do you?" Gabriel said. "All of you speak my name in whispers and cross yourselves in the hope that you'll be protected from me. Does the name Sylar mean anything to you?"

Zim was starting to think this guy was crazy up until that last part. "Hey, I have a Sylar watch. It's really top of the line stuff. This thing'll never break down on me. And I don't even have to wind it. It's the best watch I've ever owned."

"Really? You have a Sylar watch?"

"Yep."

Gabriel blinked. "Well, you're a man of taste. No matter. I am known to the greater world as Sylar. Perhaps now you have heard of me?"

Zim shrugged. "Nope."

"Come on. You must have some kind of ability."

"I'm kind of a loser. I can shoot an old revolver pretty well. And I always seem to find myself in weird situations involving vampires and time travel and stuff. And I was having a kick ass dream in which I fought a T-rex with a samurai sword."

Sylar scratched his scalp, and he looked at Zim as if _he_ were the one out of his mind.

Zim just stared back blankly.

"Fuck it," Sylar said. "I'll find out in a moment." He threw his hand up, and Zim flew across the room. His body stuck to the wall as if he were a fly caught in a spider web.

"Jesus!" Zim yelled. "What the fuck is going on?!"

Sylar held up a finger and slowly drew it from left to right. Searing pain took up residence in Zim's head, and he howled as a line of blood seeped across his forehead. It felt like someone was opening up his head.

Sylar nodded. "That's because I _am_ opening your head, Cris. I'm going to play with your brain until I acquire your ability."

Did this weird fucker just read Zim's mind?

"Yes, I can read minds. I can also project thoughts. So dig this . . ."

Inside Zim's head, he could hear Sylar's voice. ". . . you are so fucked."

Zim had never felt so much pain, and for the first time in a long time he felt a fear so overwhelming he thought he was going to shit himself. He wished he was far away from this place. This all had to be a dream. In fact he could rather be in a place where he was considered a hero. Why not go back to ancient Japan to slay a T-rex?

As more pain exploded in his head, Zim closed his eyes and wished with all his might that he was in his dream . . . and when he opened his eyes he was in a field. He slumped down, unstuck from his own time (and his wall) and found himself on his hands and knees in a field of grass almost as tall as himself. Trees in the distance wept blossoms, and the wind carried them in a swirl around him.

The sky above him suddenly became dark. He peered through the snowstorm of pedals to see the sun's light dimming as a crescent of darkness overcame it. An eclipse.

Someone shouted at him in another language, and Zim was seized from behind by two men in elaborate and silly-looking battle armor. They looked like they'd just stepped out of some bad anime show. But they were strong, and their weapons did not look quite so ridiculous. They looked deadly.

Another samurai stepped forward, katana drawn and aimed at Zim's throat. He asked a gruff question, which Zim could not understand. The intent was pretty clear, though, and Zim clenched his teeth and waited to die. He wanted to say something witty or profound, but he knew such an attempt would be useless when the only people present didn't speak English.

So instead he hissed. "Fffffffffffuck." He closed his eyes because he didn't want to see his own death coming at him . . .


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

ZIMTASTIC ROMANCE

"Hiro, wait!"

The samurai in front of Zim paused. "Ando?"

The two of them conversed in Japanese for a while, and the one named Ando turned to Zim. In English: "You are . . . American?"

"Uh . . . yeah."

The one Ando called Hiro seemed to ask a question. Ando translated: "How did you get back to 1671 Kyoto?"

"What's a Kyoto?" Zim asked.

"A town in Japan."

"I'm in Japan?! Are there dinosaurs?"

Ando removed his helmet, revealing a skinny, befuddled man. "Dinosaurs? Godzilla is not real."

In a flash of realization Zim suddenly knew this guy was politely calling him a racist. "No, I don't mean Godzilla. I had this dream in which I was fighting a T-rex with a samurai sword. I think that's how I got here."

Ando blinked. "You dreamed yourself here?"

"Kind of. I wished I could get away from that Sylar dude, and he—"

"Sylar?" Hiro asked. "You . . . eh, know Sylar?"

"You both speak English?" Zim asked.

"I speak it better," Ando said. "He's just learning."

"What's the deal with this Sylar guy? He's kind of a dick."

"He cuts people's heads open," Ando said. "He steals their abilities."

"What's this nonsense about abilities?!" Zim yelled. "I'm tired of this crap! All I want to do is get some sleep!"

"There was an eclipse in our time," Ando said. "When it was done some of us had powers. Hiro can control time and space. It seems that you can do this, also."

"Weird," Zim said. "Usually I need a time machine to do that for me."

"Time machine?" Ando asked.

"It's a long story. So, when are you guys from?"

"2017."

"Hey, me, too! Awesome! How do we get back?"

"Something's wrong with Hiro. He can't get his power to work for some reason. Maybe you can get us back to where we belong."

"Gee, I don't know. I just wished myself here."

"Grab ahold of us," Ando said. "Then squeeze your eyes shut and make your head tremble." He demonstrated, and it looked like he was trying to push out a turd. "That's what Hiro does when he tries to affect time and space."

Zim shrugged. "I'll get it a shot." He grabbed both Hiro and Ando and pinched his eyes shut. Just as he was about to force his thoughts back to his bedroom, someone slapped his arm. He opened his eyes and saw Hiro shaking his head. "What do you mean, no?"

"Takezo Kensei," he said.

"What the fuck is that?" Zim asked.

"Hiro's hero," Ando said. "Hiro is trying to turn him from the village drunk to a national hero. That's him over there." He pointed.

Zim immediately ignored Kensei in favor of the woman standing next to him. She was easily the hottest chick he had ever seen, and his legs felt weak just knowing he was in her presence. How could she stand talking to the guy in all the stupid armor? Were they together? Should he hit on her? "Who is she?" he whispered to Ando.

"Yaeko. She is Kensei's lover, but only because Hiro has been performing heroic acts in his place. He is really an Englishman, but no one knows this because he never takes off his armor. He is also a filthy drunk not worthy of the legacy Hiro is building for him."

"Wait, she's fucking that guy?"

"In a word, yes."

"That sucks." Zim continued to watch her. There was no way he could just let her go. He had to do something about this. Then he remembered that he was only dressed in his boxers, and he let out a tremendous sigh. Besides, maybe it would be best to be drunk before hitting on her. That way he wouldn't be so nervous. "Do you have clothes I can wear?"

Ando said something to Hiro, who said something to someone else. Soon Zim was given rags. No stupid armor, thank God.

There was a roar from a nearby hill, and Zim whirled to see an army of heavily armed, heavily armored men charging down toward them. Everyone around him panicked and prepared to be attacked . . . except for Kensei, who quickly changed armor with Hiro. In that moment Zim saw that Hiro was a short, pudgy, sweaty Japanese man with super-thick glasses.

"Shit, Ando," Zim said. "Do you think I can get some of that armor? Something tells me I'll need it soon."

Ando put a katana blade into Zim's hand. "That's all I can give you."

Zim unsheathed it and saw it was exactly the same as the one in his dream. Which meant . . .

"Shit. I'm going to have to fight a dinosaur, aren't I?"

"Maybe," Ando said. "If I were you, I'd be more concerned with the advancing army."

"Oh," Zim said. Then, "Shit! Army! Let's get the fuck out of here!"

As the swords at the head of the charge clashed with armor and shield, and arrows thunked into the ground all around them, Zim and Ando screamed high-pitched girly cries and retreated even quicker than a drunken, staggering Takezo Kensei.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

JURASSIC ZIM

By the time Zim had hidden behind the tree, he noticed an arrow sticking out of his raggedy shirt. He hadn't felt it go into his skin, and upon further inspection he realized it had gone through both ends of the cloth. "Jesus. Talk about fucking close calls."

Ando ran screaming past him, flailing his arms left and right. Hazarding a glance around the tree Zim saw Hiro, in Kensei's armor, hacking his way through the enemy's army. "I'm glad I'm not that guy."

Carelessly, he threw the arrow from his shirt behind him, and he ignored the cry he heard. Setting down behind the tree for cover he noticed that his arrow had planted itself firmly into Takezo Kensei's eyeball.

"Whoops," Zim muttered. He then completely forgot about the legendary Japanese cult figure he'd accidentally killed when he saw that a group of warriors had captured Yaeko nearby. They were dragging her away, probably to kill her. Or murder her. Or maybe ransom her. He didn't know what these ancient people thought about during a battle.

He remembered the katana blade in his hand, and the wheels in his head started turning. Unfortunately they were kind of rusty, and they made a lot of clanking sounds as they rattled along, but he eventually came to the proper conclusion: he must save Yaeko. That way she'd be sure to put out.

He unsheathed the sword and charged forward, giving his best Future Booze Jesus roar. Then, as he came closer to the bad guys, he saw just how large and well-armed they were. One of them held a sword that could probably cut Zim in half.

It occurred to him that maybe he should turn back, that he should find some kind of cover and ride this out. And then Yaeko saw him, and he saw hope in her eyes. That hope equaled immediate poon. He'd seen Fitz with a lot of good looking girls, but none of them were as hot as this. He couldn't wait to get home and gloat about this.

Zim roared and swiped his blade at the biggest guy in the crowd. Pure luck guided his hand as the sword found a chink in the armor at the neck and separated the warrior's head from his shoulders with the ease of a hot knife slipping through butter.

The other two baddies turned and watched as their comrade's head rolled away, which gave Zim an extra second to attack again. He jabbed the sword forward, but this time luck was not with him. The blade clanked off his target's chest plate, and the two warriors braced for battle.

Out of the corner of his eye Zim could see Hiro rushing to save Yaeko. This could not happen. Zim would never forgive himself if he let this other guy save the hottest piece of ass he'd ever seen. This would be another time and country he could never come back to . . .

Zim's jealousy and rage and need to lay some pipe took over his body, and he transformed into a madman. Neither warrior was fast enough to parry his blows. They both fell with grievous wounds, and Zim continued to slice at them to ensure their deaths.

Finally, when he was done, he straightened up, out of breath, and cleaned the sword of blood. "So," he said. "How's it going?"

She exclaimed something in Japanese, then jumped up and gave him a hug. He hugged back and gleefully realized her tits were pressing up against his chest. This meant that HE WAS TOUCHING BOOBS!

"You wanna get out of here, babe?" Zim asked. "There's got to be a better place to hang out than in a war zone."

She backed away, confused. Once again she spoke about fifty miles per hour in Japanese, and Zim understood none of it.

"Do you speak English?" he asked. No response. "Shit. How the fuck am I going to get laid if you don't speak my language?"

"FINALLY! I'VE FOUND YOU, YOU GODDAM HEATHEN!"

Zim felt hands fall upon his shoulders and whirl him around. Standing before him was someone who looked vaguely familiar, but he just couldn't place it. The guy had a robotic arm, so it shouldn't be too difficult to figure it out. "Do I know you?"

"KNOW ME?! I'M H. GEORGE FUCKING WELLS! YOU KILLED MY WEENA!"

Behind this raving lunatic Zim could see the time traveling phone booth, and the whole ordeal with the Eloi and Morlocks came back to him. "Hey, yeah! I remember you! I thought you were dead."

Wells cackled like a fiend. "You foolish swine! I've traveled across eons to find you, and I've learned a lot. I have heard the music of the spheres! And I know what rests in the shadows between the worlds! I built my own robot arm! Do you like it?"

"It's actually kind of cool," Zim said. "You look kind of like a Terminator that way."

"How fitting, then, that I'm here to terminate you."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why? You killed my Weena! You mutilated me!"

"You seem to blame a lot of things on me. Have you ever considered that you might be to blame yourself? Jeez, the future version of me warned me that you were going to become an asshole. I should have broken the phone booth totally before I left."

"I would have found my way through the mists of time to find you and exact my revenge, either way. And what's this? You have a female companion?"

Zim pushed Yaeko behind him until he covered her entirely. "Get the fuck back. She's mine. I'm not going to lose a piece like her to the likes of you."

"You think you have the power to stop me? You fool! You have no idea the arcane knowledge I have uncovered! Prepare for your demise!"

 _Does he have to yell everything?_ Zim wondered. _He sounds like Doc Brown._

Wells stomped the ground, chanting in a language Zim couldn't even place, much less understand. " _Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtghan! Yogsothoth sudemell! Ia!_ " Once more he stomped the terra, and it disappeared beneath Yaeko's feet. She shrieked as she fell, and Zim tried to grab her. He managed to get her wrist, but her movement was so swift that he was pulled off his feet, and he dropped through the portal with her as Wells giggled above him.

Zim rolled around on the ground, disoriented. When he fell he thought he was going to go straight down, but when he went through the portal, he found himself falling to the side. When he looked around he noticed that the shimmering portal was by his side, vertical rather than above and horizontal. Weird.

Yaeko screamed, and when Zim looked he saw she was pointing up to the trees above. How were they now in a jungle? What did Wells do to them?

A roar filled Zim's ears, and the ground rumbled beneath him. Parting the leaves above was a gigantic head with lizard eyes and a mouth full of teeth the size of dollar bills.

A T-rex. A motherfucking T-rex.

"I hate my dreams," Zim said.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

FIRST IT'S OOH AND AHH, AND THEN IT'S RUNNING AND AND AND SCREAMING . . .

For once Zim didn't have to think of a plan. It was just so obvious that it screamed even to his simplistic mind. He grabbed Yaeko and pushed her back through the portal. He jumped through after her and rolled to the side, prepared for the awkwardness of changing not just time but gravitational pull. Still, he almost fell back down the portal and would have if he hadn't grabbed the edge and pulled himself up.

Wells glared at him. "Get back in the portal."

"No thanks," Zim said. "If you don't back off, I'm going to cut your other arm off." He leveled the katana at his adversary.

The T-rex roared through the portal, and the ground shook as it tried to fit its head through. Zim glanced down and had enough time to laugh at the dumb beast. "Good luck getting through, big guy."

And then the edges of the portal stretched. More ground fell away as the T-rex forced itself through into Kyoto. Wells laughed, and Zim backed away, pushing Yaeko with him. The beast's head made it all the way through, and its slavering jaws snapped at Zim.

"Fuck you," Zim whispered to whatever god might exist. "Fuck you, you fucking fuck."

The T-rex's tiny arms came through next, and it wiggled its way through. There was very little awkwardness as it shifted its weight and looked around at its new prey. It roared, and the land shook with the sound.

Everyone stopped fighting. The sound of swords against armor ceased, and the war cries stopped. The men all looked up at the dinosaur with awe and fear . . . and the sudden need to conquer such a grim force of nature. Both sides joined as one as they fired their arrows at the T-rex. Clouds of them obfuscated the beast, but none of them were sharp enough to cut through its thick leathery skin.

It responded to the assault by ducking down and chomping on a half-dozen soldiers. From a distance Hiro screamed and rushed toward the beast, his sword raised. Zim had to admit, the little guy had balls, but there was no way this should be happening. The dream said Zim was supposed to kill the beast. Maybe it was just for the best if he grabbed Yaeko and made a hasty retreat while everyone else was distracted.

"Let's get out of here, babe." He nodded toward an empty spot in the killing field.

She didn't understand him. Of course.

"Hiro!" Ando cried. He took shelter behind a tree. "No!"

Hiro looked to his friend. "Ando?"

The T-rex roared and lunged for Hiro.

Hiro lifted his sword, intending to get the T-rex in the eye, but his aim was off. He stabbed it in the nostril but didn't do much damage. The T-rex, on the other hand, took the opportunity to chomp Hiro in half. There was a brief scream, and then Hiro's lower half dropped out of the T-rex's mouth, dangling from a long strand of intestines. The dinosaur slurped it up like spaghetti and finished his meal.

"HIRO!" Ando screamed. He charged the beast. Fortunately for him he was clumsy and tripped over a tree root, hitting his head on a rock. Instead of becoming the T-rex's dessert, he dropped out of consciousness.

"Shit," Zim said. He looked at all that remained of Hiro: a smear of blood on the grass. "Better him than me."

Wells giggled. "You fool! Hiro is a very important person in the continuum! Because of your arrival here, you have probably destroyed the world! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Goddammit." Zim knew this meant he would have to fix this at some point. The last time this happened, the future had turned into a Zardoz world, and he didn't think he could deal with that again.

The portal ripped open, and a weirdly colored Jeep jumped through. Its shocks screeched as it juttered back and forth. Two figures jumped out of the vehicle: an old man with a cane and a man dressed completely in black. "Get the goat!" the former said.

The latter smirked. "I, uh, can't tell you how many times I've wished, ah, that someone would tell me that." He then rushed to the back of the Jeep and led a goat out by a leash.

The T-rex heard this and slapped its tail down on the vehicle, crushing it in one fell swoop. The man in black yelped and jumped back just in time to avoid the swinging tail. The old man, however, was not quick enough. It hit him on the head, breaking his neck with a violent, loud SNAP.

"John!" the man in black cried.

"This is getting silly," Zim said. "Yaeko, let's go."

She looked at him when he said her name, and when he tugged at her arm, she shook her head. She fired off a quick diatribe in Japanese and pointed at the beast. Then at Zim's sword.

"Jesus. I can't do that. I just want to find somewhere safe and take a nap."

The man in black heard Zim's English and approached. "You! We have to get the T-rex to eat this goat! It's loaded with morphine!"

The goat smiled lazily.

Wells sighed. "This is annoying. I really can't savor my vengeance with all of this chaos."

"You know chaos theory?" the man in black asked. "I'm Ian Malcolm."

"The famed doctor?" Wells asked. "I heard of you when I was traveling in Central America in 2079."

"The, uh, pleasure is mine."

Zim rolled his eyes. Sometimes he really couldn't believe this was his life. It was like Bruni had hijacked him and was forcing him to have adventures in his sick, drunken imagination. Only in his life could a T-rex be attacking an army of samurai while a maniacal time traveler with a robot arm conversed with a chaos scientist around a portal to another world.

The T-rex chomped on a few more interlopers, and Zim thought it would be best to just get this three-ring circus over with. Who know? If this worked, maybe Yaeko would still put out.

He stepped forward and grabbed the leash from Dr. Malcolm. "Let's do this thing." He pulled, and Malcolm pushed, and the goat didn't bother to resist. It looked like it was having a good time.

"Hey dickhead!" Malcolm yelled. He tossed a rock at the T-rex's head. It missed, but the beast heard the animosity in Malcolm's voice and turned his way. "I've got, uh, dinner for you!"

"Eat up, big guy," Zim said. He backed away just as the dinosaur ducked down and scooped the entire animal into its mouth. There were ugly crunching sounds as the T-rex masticated the doped-up goat.

"That's it," Malcolm cooed. "Keep eating. Swallow up the whole thing. Yeah."

"How much morphine was in that thing?" Zim asked.

"Enough to kill my, ah, ex-wife." Malcolm smirked again. It disappeared when Zim didn't laugh. "Or fifteen elephants."

Zim peered up at the dinosaur, which showed no signs of slowing down as it lashed a platoon of samurai with its tail. "I don't think it's working."

"It should have had an immediate effect," Malcolm said.

Zim sighed. There was only one thing to do. He drew the katana blade and stepped forward. "Hey asshole! Your momma was fucked by a pack of velociraptors!"

The T-rex whirled on him, and he could have sworn the beast was grinning. Blood-tinted saliva dripped from its chops as it stepped toward Zim, ready for its next meal . . .


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

ZIM'S GOING TO GET LAID!

The T-rex roared, and bloody spit flew from its jaws and splattered Zim. He closed his eyes and tried not to puke at the smell. This, of course, was asking for too much. He held his breath, but to no avail; he heaved his guts out . . . all over the dinosaur's face as it ducked down to eat him.

The T-rex choked, and Zim thought he could see a tear running from its reptilian eye. It was off balance, which meant this was the perfect time to strike. Zim rushed forward, vomit still slimed on his chin, and stabbed at the beast's eye. The katana blade sank into the orb, popping it like a balloon, and passed into the T-rex's pea-sized brain. The dinosaur yelped and fell over on its side, dead.

Zim stared at the body, surprised that he'd killed the thing so easily. Then he remembered that everyone was watching him, so he had to keep up appearances. He had to be the hero. "Let that be a lesson to you." He kicked the beast's head.

Everyone around him cheered. He was jostled by the warriors as they clapped his back and lifted him up on their shoulders. This made him feel a bit sicker, as this was a total sausage fest. The only one he wanted to be touched by was Yaeko. Then he realized that he'd puked right in front of her. There was no way she was going to want to have sex with him now. He just wanted to be away from this place.

Wait, there she was, at the fringe of the gathering. She was trying to get to him, but she couldn't weave her way through the crowd. She waved, trying to get his attention. She was . . . smiling? Was she really happy to see him?

Zim wiped his chin. "Yaeko!"

The samurai got the idea, and sharing smiles, they set Zim down and pushed him toward the woman. The two of them embraced, and to Zim's shock and glee she pressed her lips to his. This was actually happening! Finally, one of these ridiculous time jaunts was going to work out in his favor! He was going to get laid!

"NO!" Wells screamed. "This is not how it works!"

"This is, ah, exactly how it works," Dr. Malcolm said. He smirked as he ran his forefinger into his fist.

Wells cast his gaze about until he found a discarded weapon, a katana blade. He bent down and picked it up, murder blazing in his eyes. Before the chaos scientist could do anything, Wells rushed forward. "YOU KILLED MY WEENA!"

Zim saw him from the corner of his eye, but he wasn't swift enough. He pinched his eyes closed, expected to die, and he heard the whistle of the blade as it cut through the air . . . but it did not bite into Zim's body. His face was wet, and when he opened his eyes he saw Yaeko's gaping mouth. Blood seeped from the corners of her lips, and her eyes rolled up into her head. He saw the thin red line drawn across her throat. It grew wider as her head fell back, leaving nothing but a clean neck hole where it had been.

Her body collapsed.

Zim screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Now he was never going to get laid.

Wells chortled. "How does it feel, Zim? I wanted to do that to you before I killed you. Prepare for the afterlife!" He lifted the sword again and brought it down with all his might above Zim's head . . .


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

HA-HA, ZIM DIDN'T GET LAID!

Wells didn't get the chance to bring the sword down. Just as it began its descent, every samurai in the vicinity fired arrows at him, or they plunged their katana blades into his body. He gasped, a human pin-cushion from head to toe, blood dribbling from every wound. Those with swords drew their blades back, and crimson gushed out of him as he collapsed, lifeless.

"Jesus," Zim said. "That guy died hard."

The body twitched, and Wells opened his eyes. They were completely white. Although seven arrows were sticking through his throat, he somehow managed to speak in that freaky language he'd used to open the portal to the dinosaur's world. Blood spattered from his open mouth as he spoke, and finally, at the end, he turned his dead gaze on Zim. "With this, my last breath, I curse you, Cris Zim. Your dick will fall off, and your balls will wither if you do not put right what once went . . . WRONG." His head fell.

"He'd better be dead this time," Zim said. He prodded the corpse with his sword, and it didn't move.

Malcolm laughed, fingering his chin. "That's, ah, a good look for you, Mr. Zim."

"What do you mean?" Zim asked.

"The, ah, soul patch. It's, um, a very nice touch."

Zim felt his lower lip, and his bowels gurgled when he discovered there was hair. This couldn't be happening. How could he be turning into Future Zim? Then he realized how stupid that question was, and he tried to ignore the growth on his face.

He heard a sob behind him, and he turned to see Ando kneeling at the blood smear that had been Hiro. He spoke in Japanese mostly, but every once in a while Zim heard him say Hiro's name.

Then Zim turned toward Yaeko and saw that her neck was still sobbing blood onto Kyoto's formerly green grass. He couldn't see her head anywhere, which saddened him. She really was a hot piece of ass, and now Zim was never going to get laid.

"I gotta get out of here," he said.

"I, ah, believe these gentlemen want to have a party in your, um, name," Malcolm said.

"Fuck them. I want a nap."

Ando sniffed and stood. "Take me with you, please."

"I'll take you as far as Fitz's living room," Zim said. "After that, it's up to you to get home to wherever."

Ando nodded.

"I, uh, would appreciate it if you'd take me with you. The, um, portal back to my world has sadly closed itself."

"I don't know if I can do that, guys," Zim said. "I just know that I wished myself here."

"You can at least try," Ando said. "Please."

Zim sighed. "Fine."

Malcolm smirked. "Should we, ah, hold hands? Maybe sing Kumbaya?"

"That sounds really gay," Zim said. "I don't want to hold dudes' hands."

"Then I'll touch your shoulder," Malcolm said.

That still sounded kind of gay, but Zim decided to forget about it. The sooner this was done, the sooner he could take a nap. "Fine."

Ando and Malcolm each touched one of Zim's shoulders as Zim closed his eyes and tried to clear his mind. He tried thinking of nothing but Fitz's living room. Think of nothing else. Think of nothing else. Stay Puft marshmallow man. No! Think of nothing else. Nothing else. Nothing else.

Isn't ID4 on tonight?

There was a pop, and when Zim opened his eyes he was definitely not in Fitz's living room.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

CHECKMATE

When Zim saw where he'd landed, he roared in anger. "This can't be happening! I travel through time! THIS SHIT NEVER HAPPENED! THIS IS A MOVIE!"

"I, ah, don't get it," Malcolm said.

A man who looked exceptionally like Dr. Malcolm approached, peering at Zim and his companions through a thick set of glasses. "How did you, uh, people get in here? This is a, ah, highly restricted area."

"Whoa," Malcolm said. "I like your, uh, style."

"Yours isn't, ah, bad either. But who are you?"

"Dr. Ian Malcolm, at your service." Malcolm held out his hand, and his doppelganger shook it.

"David Levinson. I'm in charge of this part of the, uh, operation. If you can, ah, call it that."

Malcolm approached a few diagrams on the wall and peered at the screens next to them. He fingered his chin. "So, what's with all of this?"

"You wouldn't, ah, understand." Levinson offered the same smirk.

"I'm a chaos scientist," Malcolm said.

"I thought I'd, uh, heard of you. Perhaps you've, ah, heard of my work?"

"Not really. But it looks like you, ah, have some kind of invasion going on here. Those are, uh, some pretty impressive ships."

"You don't know the half of it," Levinson said. "These things have, ah, already destroyed several major cities, and, ah, they're threatening to take out more. I have this plan, though. I'm going to—"

"—infect the mothership with a computer virus?" Malcolm offered his most pompous smirk yet.

"How did you know? I'm the only one who can read this stuff."

"I can, too," Malcolm said. "I'm a chaos scientist. Computer viruses work on the behalf of entropy. Is any of this making sense to you?"

"No," Zim said. "And shut up. The both of you."

"Zim?" Ando asked.

"You, too," Zim said. "I have to get us out of here."

Malcolm ignored them. "I have faith in this plan, Dr. Levinson. The trick is delivering it—"

"—and surviving," Levinson said. "I know. It's a hell of a ballsy, ah, plan, but that's why I'm going. I can't ask anyone else to, ah, do it in my place."

Malcolm laughed. "You're pretty crazy. You, ah, you go on with your bad self."

Zim rubbed his eyes. "Jesus Christ, shut up! Or I'm going to leave you here to face the alien invasion."

"No problem, ah, Zim-ster," Malcolm said. "This planet's in good hands. Let's, ah, make like a tree."

Zim tried not to grimace when Malcolm touched his shoulder this time. Ando, he could deal with, but Malcolm was just rubbing him the wrong way. He pinched his eyes shut and concentrated as hard as he could. Fitz's living room. His thoughts: huge TV, crappy table and chairs, sliding glass door. Seinfeld box set on the coffee table, super-comfy chair that he once puked on, wasn't there a fly on the window?

When Zim opened his eyes he found that he was thankfully no longer in the world of ID4, but when he saw that David Levinson had joined them for this little jaunt, he blanched. "Come on! You weren't even touching me! Why are you here?"

"Ah, never mind that," Malcolm said. "I'd be more worried about that."

Ando screamed like a girl, and Levinson gagged. "It's horrible. Horrible!"

Zim sighed and turned his attention to whatever was going to plague him now . . .


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID

Zim sighed. "Okay, this is getting out of hand. There are too many Jeff Goldblums here."

Before him sat a humanoid creature covered in slime, but its facial features were clearly the very same as Malcolm and Levinson's. The monster sputtered and squelched. "I, ah, have visitors. How nice."

"Did your dick fall off?" Zim asked. "And did you put it in your medicine cabinet?"

The man-thing who could only be Seth Brundle smirked. He had no teeth, and goo oozed from the corners of his mouth. "That's correct. I have quite the, ah, museum in there. Do you want to see?"

"I don't think I, ah, like his style," Malcolm said.

"Agreed," Levinson said.

Zim turned to Malcolm. "Why do you always seem to play scientists?"

Malcolm and Levinson smirked in unison. "I, well, it ah, seems to suit me well."

"And do you bang every costar?"

Brundle puked up acid and chuckled. "Just the ones with, ah, lady parts."

"I should have never gone to Kyoto with Hiro," Ando said.

"I should have never answered the door," Zim said. "I should leave that shit up to Fitz. He's good at dealing with people."

"I think we should, um, get out of here," Malcolm said. "He's, ah, crawling on the ceiling."

"That's repulsive," Levinson said. "But oddly hypnotic. Beautiful." His eyes followed Brundle as he crawled up and down the walls.

Malcolm shook his head. "First it's 'ooh' and 'ahh,' and then there's running, and, and screaming."

"Fuck this," Zim said. "We're leaving the Goldblums behind. Come on, Ando. We're getting the fuck out of here." He grabbed Ando's elbow and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to empty his mind of all thoughts except for those pertaining to Fitz's living room. Not that it mattered. He had no doubt that he'd wind up in some other Jeff Goldblum movie. He just hoped it wasn't going to be MR. FROST.

He opened his eyes and was not surprised to see that the Goldblums were still hanging around. He was very surprised to find that he was in a fairly decent hotel lobby. How had he gotten here? What string of thoughts had led to this? And why did that infernal phone have to start ringing?

And then Michael Richards walked in, dressed as a butler, and headed for the phone. That explained it. The Seinfeld box set probably did this to him. Richards picked up the phone. "Transylvania six five-thousand."

"Goddammit," Zim said. "Be careful, everyone. There should be another Goldblum hanging around."


	9. Chapter Interlude

INTERLUDE  
ONE OF THEM, ONE OF US

When Fitz opened the door, he found himself confronted by two men. The first looked like he'd stepped out of a 'Fifties sitcom with his close-cropped, even hair and his horn-rimmed glasses. The other man was black with very sleek features, and he always seemed to be plotting something. The former looked officious, the latter dangerous. They had the smell of government on them. Best to play it cool.

"What's up, guys?"

The one with the glasses said, "Are you Cris Zim?"

"No, I'm John. People call me Fitz."

"Is Mr. Zim home?"

Fitz laughed. "Don't call him that. Just call him Zim."

The man with the glasses smiled, making him look like a shark. "Is _Zim_ home?"

Fitz looked around the corner to Zim's room. The door was closed, as per usual. He looked like he was trying to sense Zim's presence, and he came up empty. "Usually at this time he's asleep, but I think he's gone."

"My name is Noah Bennet. Here's my card. I would appreciate it if you would let Zim know that I was by with my associate. Please have him give me a call."

Fitz took the business card. "You're not a chick."

"Pardon?"

"Zim doesn't return calls unless they're from chicks. He's got this thing about talking to guys. He doesn't like to do it. Sometimes I'm shocked that he talks to _me_."

"It's an official matter," Noah said.

Fitz looked at the card and noticed it was for Primatech, a paper company in Texas. "Um. Aren't you with the government?"

Noah smiled, showing off every tooth in his head. "I never said that. I understand that Zim is in the box industry. We have a lot to discuss."

"I'll give him your card," Fitz said. "After that, I guarantee nothing."

"Thank you for your time," Noah said. He nodded to his partner, and they headed back toward the door to the building.

Fitz watched them leave before he closed and locked the door. His face shimmered, and his features melted into another form. Sylar shook off the image of Fitz and strode back into the bedroom. He looked up and saw, spread-eagled and stuck to the ceiling, the real Fitz. Fitz struggled against the force holding him up, and he tried to speak, but nothing came out.

"Now," Sylar said. "Where were we?"

Outside, the two men hesitated at the door. Noah turned to the Haitian. "What do you think?"

"There was something off about him," the Haitian said. "He registered as a dead zone in my mind."

"Sylar?"

The Haitian considered this. "Perhaps."

Noah pulled out his .45. "Well, better safe than sorry."

The Haitian nodded, and Noah was about to ring the bell again when they heard a scream come from inside the apartment complex.


	10. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9:

HAVE ZIM, WILL TRAVEL

Sure enough, another Jeff Goldblum made his appearance. He ambled around the corner, the ever-present smirk cemented on his face. He approached the butler and slapped him on the back. The Michael Richards lookalike made a face like he'd just bitten into a lemon.

"Hey, ah, Fejos. How's it, um, hanging?"

Very deliberately, Fejos produced a banana peel from his pocket and threw it on the floor. Then, looking up at the ceiling, he started walking forward, at which point he stepped on the peel and gave a shriek as he fell backwards.

"That's, ah, great news, Fejos. I think you have, um, a future in, ah, standup comedy. Have you seen Odette around? I'd like to, um, talk to her."

"No, Mr. Harrison." He stood up and straightened out.

Zim sighed. "This is hell. This is what hell is like. A million Jeff Goldblums and one Michael Richards retard butler."

Jack Harrison looked up at the sound of this and noticed the other Goldblums. "What have we here? This is, ah, a group of very, um, handsome men. Except for this fellow." He gestured to Seth Brundle. "Do you, ah, need a bib?"

"I was once a man," Brundle said. "I, ah, banged Geena Davis."

Harrison smirked. "What a coincidence. I, ah, plan on doing the same thing pretty soon."

"My penis fell off shortly, ah, thereafter."

Harrison didn't even blink. "That's horrible."

Malcolm stepped forward. "Apparently he, ah, put it in his medicine cabinet."

"Need I, ah, repeat myself?"

Zim considered burning this building down with all the Goldblums in it. They couldn't possibly follow him to his next destination, could they? Or would their burning skeletons come, too? What the hell was he going to do?

Inspiration struck. There was a man who could probably help him. He was super smart and could probably think his way through this situation. The only problem was, he lived in the 1870s. How would Zim be able to find the guy?

He thought about making an announcement, but he figured why bother? They're going to go with him, one way or the other. It was only a matter of time before he found himself in the world of _Hideaway_. No, he had to go back to the Wild West.

He grabbed Ando's shoulder. "Sorry, but we have to go into the past again."

"What is going on?" Ando asked.

"I don't know, but there's a guy who might be able to help."

"Does he look anything like Jeff Goldblum?"

Zim sighed and closed his eyes. Now he thought about black clothes. A pencil thin mustache. A chess piece, the white knight. And when he opened his eyes he found himself standing in front of the Carleton Hotel in San Francisco.

And he found himself face to face with another Jeff Goldblum, this one dressed in Western gear. What the fuck? Zim couldn't think of a Western Goldblum had been in. And then it came to him.

"Shit. I forgot about _Silverado_."


	11. Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

PUT RIGHT WHAT ONCE WENT WRONG

Dr. Malcolm chuckled. "Wow. Gentlemen, it, ah, looks like we have another of us wandering around."

"This guy looks, um, slick," Harrison said.

The new Jeff Goldblum smirked, as per usual. "Funny you should, ah, say that. My name is Slick. Nice to, um, meet you." He held out his hand to Harrison.

"Clones," Levinson said. "We're clones. We have to be."

"What about me?" Brundle slobbered.

"You're, ah, clearly the one who, um, came out the wrong way," Levinson said.

"I can't stand this," Zim said. "Come on, Ando. Let's leave these idiots alone."

Ando quickly agreed, and the two of them entered the Hotel Carleton. The lobby was really nice, probably the nicest place Zim had ever seen. Beautiful women in billowing dresses walked around with their cleavage on prominent display. Fuck Yaeko. These chicks were way hotter. He considered making his move when he saw the man he was looking for . . . except he wasn't wearing the black outfit. He wore a suit with ruffles hanging out of his sleeves and from the front. Hair slicked back, he spoke with a young woman while holding a glass of brandy.

"Paladin!" Zim shouted. "Hey Paladin!"

Paladin turned away from his date and blanched when he saw who was calling his name. "No. It can't be."

Zim dragged Ando over to the philosophical gunfighter. "Long time, no see."

"Cris Zim," Paladin said. He blinked his eyes and opened them theatrically wide. His fingers twitched at his side. "I'd rather hoped I would never see you again."

The desk clerk approached. "Mr. Paladin, do you know this man?"

Paladin looked Zim up and down, taking in the rags he was dressed in. "Unfortunately."

"I need to talk to you about a problem," Zim said. "Do you have a minute?"

Paladin looked to his date and sighed. Softly he took her hand up and touched his lips to it. "I offer my most sincere apologies, Helen."

"But we were going to go to the dance hall," she said. "And the playhouse."

"A trifling matter has arisen," Paladin said, "but it is something I must deal with."

"But Oscar Wilde's new play!"

Paladin pursed his lips and nodded his head. "Another time."

As she whirled away from her date and swished her way through the lobby to the door, Zim turned to Paladin. "Sorry about the cock block, but I need your help."

"Mr. Zim, you would be surprised to find how often someone interrupts my evenings of pleasure. Don't you have anything better to wear?"

"This is all I have," Zim said. "It's all feudal Kyoto had to offer.

Paladin lifted his eyebrows. "Now, Mr. Zim, you have my interest. Hey Boy!"

A short Asian dude rushed over. "Yes, Mr. Paladin?"

"Fetch something for Mr. Zim to wear. Bring it up to my room."

"Yes, Mr. Paladin."

Paladin pointed to Zim and gestured to the stairs. "You. Follow me."

Ando whispered, "What's a cock block?"

Paladin shot a glance over his shoulder, angry. Zim said, "I should explain later."

Soon, refreshed with cigars and brandy, Zim told his story to Paladin, from Sylar's invasion of his place to the Jeff Goldblums just outside the hotel. After listening to everything, Paladin steepled his fingers together. "It sounds like you have had a geas laid upon you."

"A what?" Zim asked.

"It's a curse of sorts. You have to put right what once went wrong, just as the time traveler told you. I think rather than having your genitals shrivel and rot, you are stuck in a Jeff Goldblum rut."

"What do I do about that?" Zim asked.

Paladin grimaced and stared relentlessly, disgustedly into Zim's eyes. "How stupid ARE you?" he barked.

"I don't know."

"Hiro! You have to save Hiro from the dinosaur! That will restore order to the multiverse!"

"But how do I do that?" Zim asked.

"You time travel! Go back to Kyoto just before he died at the hands of the tyrannosaurus-rex! Save the samurai, save the world!"

Ando straightened up. "Save the cheerleader, save the world."

"Pardon?" Paladin asked.

"It's something I heard from my time."

Something rumbled outside, and even from this great distance they could hear the Goldblums scream. Ando and Paladin rushed to the window to see what was going on, but Zim remained sitting. "I don't even want to know what that was."

Ando, wide-eyed, backed away from the window. "You should see this, Zim."

Paladin squinted his eyes. "What IS that?"

Zim gave in. He ambled over to the window and peered out. "Oh. Is that it?"

"You want something more?" Ando asked.

"I repeat," Paladin said, "WHAT IS THAT?!"

"Nothing much," Zim said. "It looks like the Goldblums are melting and coming together, T-2 style."

"I understood absolutely none of that," Paladin said.

Zim sighed. "It looks like he's growing into one big Jeff Goldblum."


	12. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

UM, AH, WELL . . .

The giant Jeff Goldblum took a step toward the Hotel Carleton, and the cobblestone road cracked beneath his feet. San Francisco rumbled as if an earthquake had struck it. People screamed and ran away from the monstrosity. "Um," Goldblum said, "well, first it's 'ooh' and 'ahh,' and you know the rest."

Paladin turned his hateful gaze on Zim. "What have you done this time?!"

"Hey, it wasn't me," Zim said. "Believe me, there's no way I wanted to bring all of these Jeff Goldblums with me. If it was up to me, I would have left Dr. Malcolm in the ID4 universe and be done with it."

Ando nodded. "We just sort of . . . collected them. Like Magic, the Gathering cards."

Zim sighed. "Fucking dork." Why couldn't he just get back to his own time, where he could take a nap and then play Final Fantasy?

Paladin sneered, shaking his head. "Trouble follows you everywhere you go, Zim."

The hotel shook, and most of Paladin's wall disappeared. Jeff Goldblum peered in the hole and smirked. "Ah, there you are, uh, Zim. Let's play." He reached his huge hand in, searching for Zim as if he were the prize at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box.

Paladin leapt like a panther to his dresser and pulled out a gun. With a savage twist of his body, he fired all six shots into Goldblum's giant hand. It withdrew, and they could hear Goldblum cursing under his breath.

"I hate my life," Zim said. "I really do."

Paladin reloaded. "Rest assured, Mr. Zim, that I hate your life, too. Perhaps more so."

"If I had the guts, I'd cut off my own head."

"No," Ando said. "Hara kiri. That would be more honorable."

"Agreed," Paladin said.

"Harry Carey?" Zim said. "No thanks. I like the Sox better."

Ando stared at him with a puzzled look. Paladin didn't even bother.

The room shook as the roof of the Hotel Carleton was lifted off, and Jeff Goldblum towered over them. "Ah. I see you, um, were hiding. Which piece of, uh, chocolate should I have first?"

Paladin snarled and fired six more shots. These found Goldblum's chest, but they didn't seem to have much effect. Smirking, Goldblum reached down with his thumb, ready to blot Paladin out like a bug. The gunfighter yelped and tried to dodge. He barely succeeded, but the giant thumb popped through the floor, and Paladin slid down the hole and out of sight.

Goldblum turned his attention to Zim. "Now this looks like, ah, a good meal. Come here, little fella." He reached into the Hotel Carleton and scooped Zim up, bringing our reluctant hero precariously close to his gnashing, slimy teeth . . .


	13. Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

GRR, ARGH, ETC.

Zim watched as the teeth—big as tombstones—came closer to him. Ordinarily he would have probably shit himself by now, but after having had so much experience in weird affairs he was as calm as could be. He adjusted his hands until they were right where he wanted them to be. Just as the giant Jeff Goldblum opened his mouth wide to stuff Zim in, Zim unsheathed the sword and jammed it as hard as he could into the roof of the monster's mouth. It sliced easily in, and Zim stood on Goldblum's tongue to get better leverage. Now he was able to stick it in all the way into the giant's brain.

"Uhg, garragh!" Goldblum uttered. He stumbled back, then fell forward, crushing the remains of the Hotel Carleton beneath him.

Zim rolled safely out of Goldblum's mouth, covered in saliva, which thankfully didn't burn. The Fly sucked in that regard . . .

Something in the rubble moved, and Paladin emerged from under a pile of bricks, his clothes rumpled and covered in dust and debris. He straightened out, hacked out a dust cloud, and then his eyes locked on Zim's.

"Hey Paladin," Zim said. "It's good to see you're still alive."

"YOU DESTROYED MY HOME!" Paladin roared. "This is the finest hotel in San Francisco, and you dropped a giant Jeff Goldblum on it! I'm homeless!"

Ando tugged on Zim's sleeve. "We should go."

"Where?" Zim asked.

"I don't care!" Paladin said. "Get out of here, and may your shadow never darken my doorway again! If I ever get a doorway again!"

"Wait, I just remembered," Zim said. "I have to put right what once went wrong. That means I have to go back to Kyoto and save Hiro from getting eaten by the T-rex."

Ando's eyes went wide. "Hiro! Of course! We must save him!"

Zim turned to Paladin. "If it's any consolation to you, if I save Hiro it'll change history, which means you probably won't see me, in which case your hotel won't get destroyed."

"But this is an alternate universe," Ando said. "If we go back to save Hiro, this universe will cease to exist. Which means you'll kill Paladin."

"And that would be the perfect end to a perfect day," Paladin muttered. "I'd rather deal with a thousand Monks than one Zim."

"Yeah, we're going to kill this world," Zim said. "Sorry."

Paladin sighed. "Death, where is thy sting?"

"I don't listen to that band."

Ando grabbed Zim's shoulder. "Remember: Kyoto. Don't think about Jeff Goldblum anymore."

"No more Goldblum," Zim said. Instead he thought about that cool tree, the samurai warriors, Hiro Nakamura and Yaeko. Then he realized that Yaeko would still be alive. He could still get laid! This thought cleared his mind of all other musings, and he found himself whisked back to ye olde Kyoto in the midst of the great battle he'd left.

Ando shrieked and ducked down. Arrows barely missed plunging into his head. Zim was too busy thinking of other things, but God grants mercy to the stupid. Arrows that should have pierced his torso missed as he strode purposefully through the battle. There was only one thing he needed to do to turn the tide of history, and he drew his katana, waiting for it to happen.

There he was: the past version of himself, talking with Yaeko. He'd arrived just in time. He could even hear himself asking: "How the fuck am I going to get laid if you don't speak my language?"

This was the moment. The air shimmered behind the past version of Zim, and H. George Wells solidified, robot arm and all. Zim ran as fast as he could, and just before the time traveler could open his mouth to challenge Past Zim, Present Zim thrust his katana into Wells. It went through the back of his neck, all the way through, and with a deft twist Zim removed Wells's head. Blood jetted from the stump, and the head thumped to the grass and rolled away.

Then, from the corner of his eye, Zim saw Hiro slice his way through the leader of the opposing army. The samurai fell to the ground in pieces, and Hiro lifted his blade to the sky. "Yatta!"

Zim thought that somewhere, Paladin lived in ignorance of what could have happened to his home. He took solace in knowing also that all the Jeff Goldblums were back where they belonged.

With their leader defeated the opposing army broke up and abandoned the field. Hiro and Ando ran to each other, grinning. As they embraced Zim realized that he was no longer Present Zim but Past Zim, and he was holding hands with Yaeko. Best of all, the soul patch was gone.

And then Wells's head gasped. "With this, my last breath, I curse you, Cris Zim. Your dick will fall off, and your balls will wither if you do not put right what once went . . . WRONG!"

Zim's fingers went right to his chin to find that the soul patch had returned. "What the fuck, man?! That's not fair! After all the shit I just went through!"

Wells's eyes rolled back, and the last of his final breath wheezed out of his gaping mouth.

"FUCK!" Zim kicked the decapitated head, and it didn't go very far. Zim, on the other hand, started hopping around on one foot, cursing as he held what he thought were two broken toes. (Later he knew he was just exaggerating for show, as he usually did whenever he was hurt.)

Ando scratched his head. "Put right what once went wrong? But we did that."

Hiro looked at him questioningly, and Ando explained his adventures with Zim.

When Zim was finally calm enough, he sighed. "I think we have to put a stop to this Sylar guy. That's what this whole adventure was about, right?"

"Then we must go back to the future," Ando said. He was so earnest that he didn't even notice what he'd said.

"I think Fitz would really like you," Zim said.

Zim turned to Yaeko. "You wanna come with us? Get a few drinks or something?"

She stared at him, uncomprehending.

"She must stay here," Ando said. "It's her time."

"But she's totally into me. She wants to fuck me."

"She belongs here," Ando said.

Zim sighed. "Fuck. Well, do you think I can have a few minutes with her? Like, behind that hill over there?"

Ando and Hiro exchanged glances. "I guess," Ando said. "There's no rush. We are time travelers, after all."

Zim took her by the hand and led her to the obscurity of the hill. There, in a deep shadow, he took off his pants, and to his surprise she did not turn him away . . .

Less than a minute later he pulled his pants up, thanked her for her time and headed back to Hiro and Ando. "All right, guys. Grab my shoulders. We're getting out of this place."

Ando blinked. "That's it? Was that even a minute?"

Zim grinned. "Best minute of my life." He closed his eyes and prepared himself to bring them back to a place where he could finally take his nap. He began to think of his own bedroom instead of Fitz's living room. He never really cared for the living room, and while his bedroom wasn't the place he wanted to bring a couple of dudes to, he knew his best bet of getting back would be to concentrate on what he wanted most.

This time, when he opened his eyes, he'd gotten his wish. He was home, but when he heard the screams he instantly regretted it.

"Grr," he said. "Argh. Etc."


	14. Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

SAVING THE WORLD, AGAIN

Zim rushed into Fitz's bedroom to see Sylar pointing his finger at the ceiling. Stuck like a bug in a web was Fitz, a red line of blood cut across his forehead. He screamed as the line lengthened and blood started oozing down to the floor.

Fitz was going to be mad about that later, Zim thought. He hated it when the carpet got stained.

Zim drew his blade and rushed forward, intent on cutting Sylar's arm off, but the watchmaker was too quick. He saw Zim from the corner of his eye and held up his other hand, flinging our hero against the wall in much the same fashion as Fitz was on the ceiling.

"Ah, good," Sylar said. He turned his gaze up to Fitz. "I guess I no longer need you."

Fitz dropped with a shout, and when he landed he did not get back up.

Sylar approached Zim. "I thought I'd lost you. Lucky me."

Hiro and Ando burst into the room, and the former drew his own blade. "Sylar." Hiro's voice was low and guttural.

Sylar smiled. "Two for the price of one." He went to hurl Hiro against the wall, but as soon as he lifted his hand, Hiro squeezed his eyes and vanished . . . only to reappear five feet above Sylar's head, his sword pointed down.

Sylar responded so quickly Zim couldn't believe it. The villain shot his arm up, and Hiro flew and struck his head against the ceiling. Ando rushed forward, his fists raised, but Sylar—his hands too busy—kicked at him. He nailed Ando in the balls, and Hiro's closest friend fell to the floor, gasping for breath.

"Any more surprises?" Sylar asked.

The window exploded, and Noah Bennet leaped in, gun at the ready. The Haitian stood behind him, his eyes boring in on Sylar. The villain turned his gaze to Noah, who began to sweat. Beads stood out on his forehead and his neck strained as his gun hand started to turn on himself. The gun's barrel came around, pointing slowly at his head.

"Something's wrong," the Haitian said. "He's not responding to my ability."

"I can tell," Noah said. He gritted his teeth as the barrel came closer to his skull.

Fitz crawled forward and without hesitation plunged a pencil into Sylar's foot. The villain screamed, and Zim and Hiro fell to the floor. Noah's gun hand dropped, and he grinned. "I've waited a long time to do this, Sylar."

Noah lifted the gun, and Sylar vanished. "FUCK!" Noah yelled. "Fuck fuck fuck!" He turned to the Haitian. "Why didn't your power kill his?"

The Haitian shrugged. "I don't understand."

Hiro gasped. "Flyman!"

Nathan Petrelli wasn't the only one to appear at the window. Wearing a blanket around his body to protect him from the dim sunlight of an overcast day, was Angel. The senator had lowered the vampire from the sky gently, and as soon as Angel was on solid ground, he turned to the others. "Sylar has the Orb of Gethsamane. As long as he wears it around his neck, he'll be protected from all of you."

Zim sat up. "You. I remember you."

Angel paused, and if it were possible, he became paler. "Oh fuck."


	15. Chapter 14

CHAPTER 14

WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?!

"What the hell is he doing here?!" Angel grimaced, pointing to Zim. "I should have never come back to Lisle."

"Hey, we had some good times," Zim said.

"Connor died here," Angel said.

"Yeah, but that was at Mullen's. It's not around anymore."

Angel looked like he wanted to say more, but instead he kept his mouth shut, simmered for a moment, then turned to Noah Bennet. "Okay, Noah. Here's the deal. We have to find a way to track the Orb. If we find the Orb, we find Sylar."

"We could use a mind reader," Noah said. "Matt Parkman is in Chicago today."

Hiro grinned. "Park-man!"

"Not good enough," Angel said. "This guy's gotten good at hiding his thoughts. What about Molly?"

"That'll never happen again," Noah said. "Suresh would rather have his nuts cut off than let us use Molly again. Parkman, too, for that matter. We're on our own."

"Excuse me," Zim said, "but what the fuck is going on here? I don't even know who you're talking about. What the fuck? And why are you guys still in my place? It's nap time."

"We don't have the time to explain to you," Noah said. "We have determined that you have abilities, like many others. You have to come with us."

"Uh . . . no," Zim said.

Noah grinned, showing off clenched teeth. "What made you think I was asking?"

Angel coughed. "Trust me on this one, Noah. You don't want Zim coming with us. He'll only fuck us up. I've seen him in action before."

"Hey, I saved the world that time," Zim said.

Angel scoffed. "Barely. It was by accident, as I recall."

"It still counts," Zim said. "Besides, you're going to come into my home and insult me to my face?"

Fitz groaned. "My name's on the lease. And you're in my bedroom."

Noah grimaced. "Shit, I forgot about him." He nodded to the Haitian, who stepped forward and grabbed Fitz's head.

"Uh, dude?" Fitz said.

"Shh," the Haitian said. Fitz's eyes went black. He then closed them and went to sleep on the floor.

"We can't have a civilian knowing about this," Noah said. He cocked his gun but did not point it at Zim. "Are you ready to go with us?"

"It's not so bad," Nathan said. "Noah's one of the good guys."

"Can I get a nap on the way?" Zim asked.

"Actually, I was hoping you'd teleport us to our destination," Noah said.

"Fuck," Angel and Zim said in unison.

"So," Zim said to Angel. "How's Illyria? Does she ask about me?"

Angel glared at him.

Zim sighed. "Fine. Where are we going?"

"We need to pick up Matt Parkman first," Noah said. "He's at the New Jackson Hotel in Chicago. Here is a picture." He showed a computer printout of a photo.

Zim examined it. "I think I drove by that place once. All right. Everyone, hold hands and grab onto me." How had this supergay procedure become ordinary for Zim? He hated everything about this. Why couldn't his life be cool? Being a spy wouldn't be so bad. Spies got laid all the time, right? And they got to kill people sometimes.

Fuck it. Concentrate on the picture. Zim closed his eyes and tried to hold the image in his head.

When he opened his eyes he was shocked by the explosions all around him. They seemed to be in a cave, and men in jumpsuits ran around like crazy.

"This isn't the New Jackson Hotel!" Noah yelled.

"No shit!" Angel said. "See?! I told you so!"

And then a slick man in a tuxedo swung down from an exploding penthouse like Tarzan himself, and he came to a stop in front of Zim's group. "You don't look like villainsh," he said.

Zim sighed. "You look a lot like—"

"Who are you?" Noah asked.

The man smiled. "I'm Bond. Jamesh Bond."


	16. Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

YOU'RE THE MAN NOW, ZIM!

"Well," Zim said, "better Sean Connery than Jeff Goldblum."

"A lot less uhs and ahs," Ando said, "but too much Scottish accent."

"What do I have to put right this time?" Zim asked. "I already saved Hiro. What the fuck?"

"Figure it out later," Angel said. "The roof's collapsing."

"That'sh nothing," Bond said. "I always get out of fixesh like thish. Follow me."

"Fuck that guy," Noah said. "You have to concentrate on Chicago. The New Jackson Hotel. Come on, Zim! You have to do this!"

"I'm trying! You think I like this crap?"

A group of men charged them, and Bond shot them all down without even looking. Noah lifted his gun, but he didn't get to fire a single shot at the attackers. He looked kind of disappointed.

Angel jumped into the fray, sword drawn, and started cutting the enemy to pieces. Noah finally got his chance to fire a few shots, and more soldiers went down. In the meantime Zim and Ando looked at each other. Hiro gazed on in horror at the scene before him. Nathan was too stunned to do anything.

"What are you going to do?" Ando asked Zim.

"I don't know. If I transport us without going to the thing I have to correct, I'm going to wind up with another Sean Connery. But I don't know what I need to correct. I just want this over with so I can get a nap."

The ceiling buckled, and everything caved in. Rocks fell, and Zim had no other choice. It was time to get the fuck out of there. He squeezed his eyes, and just before they were all flattened to dust, they found themselves teleported to another place.

"What'sh thish?" Bond asked. "An office?"

Zim opened his eyes, and sure enough they were in an office. There was a couch with a young man stretched out on it, and behind the desk was yet another Sean Connery. This one pointed at his companion. "You're the man now, dog!"

Bond whirled with his pistol drawn, and he put three bullets into William Forrester's chest. Blood spurted, and the doctor gagged as he fell back away from the desk. "I'm onto your game, rogue," Bond said.

"Dude!" Zim exclaimed. "You just killed a guy for no reason!"

"He shnuck up on me," Bond said. "Never do that to a man whoshe been in a chemical fire."

Jamal Wallace stood up from the couch. "You . . . you just killed Dr. Forrester!"

"Sho what?" Bond said. "If I get any more lip out of you, you're nexsht."

Zim knew this jump had to be of the essence. It was bad enough that he had to fix something already; how many more things would he have to fix if James Bond kept killing people from FINDING FORRESTER? He squeezed his eyes shut, and when he opened them he was in a field. The others were around him, including Bond and . . . was that Forrester's corpse? Yep. Yep, it was.

But where was the new Sean Connery?

"Are we back in Kyoto?" Hiro asked in halting English.

Ando replied in Japanese, and from the way he shook his head, it was to the negative.

"It looks kind of peaceful," Nathan said. "Quiet."

"Too quiet," Bond said.

And then the shadow swept over them, and everyone looked up to see what looked like a flying dinosaur. Zim felt his butthole clench at the sight of it, and he thought back to the T-rex. Did he have to fight another one of these fucking things?

"Dragon!" Hiro exclaimed. He jumped up and down like a little kid.

"Wait," Zim said. "Oh shit."

"What?" Noah asked. "What could be more oh-shit than a dragon?"

"I think I know where we are," Zim said.

"Let's feed it the rogue's corpshe," Bond said. He picked up Forrester's body and held it up, as if he expected the dragon to swoop down and take it away from him.

The dragon came crashing down, and it snarled at everyone. The atmosphere grew suddenly hotter, and Zim wiped sweat away from his forehead.

Angel shook his head. "You know? I'm really glad dragons are few and far between. They can be a real pain."

"Few and far between?" the dragon said. "I AM THE LASHT ONE!"

"Meet Draco, everyone," Zim said. "And for the record, I hate you. Each and every one of you."


	17. Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

ZIM'S LEAGUE IS SET

"All right," Angel said. "Time to slay the dragon."

"Or at least try your besht," Bond said. He looked feebly at his gun.

"Your besht?" Draco roared. "Losersh alwaysh whine about their besht!"

"Oh shut up!" Zim yelled. "No cross-Connerys! It's bad enough keeping an eye on the Connerys I have!"

Noah approached Zim, gun dangling at his side. "Look, I don't know what you're pulling here—"

"I'm not pulling anything! Do you think this is my idea of fun? I just want to take a nap!"

Noah pointed his gun at Zim's head. "You'd better stop messing around. You're valuable to me, but not that valuable. I still have Hiro. If you don't get us to the New Jackson Hotel to get Matt Parkman, I will put this bullet through your head."

"That will do no good," Ando said. "He has a geas on him. If he doesn't correct something wrong in the time continuum, we will continue to collect Sean Connerys." 

Noah sneered. "You don't expect me to buy that."

"It happened with Jeff Goldblum," Ando said.

"That's even more outlandish."

"You should have heard them talk," Zim said.

Noah sighed and let the gun fall away. "What do you have to correct?"

"That's the problem," Zim said. "I can't figure it out."

"Figure it out fast!" Angel yelled. Zim looked over to see that the vampire was battling the dragon with his sword, and he was not doing a very good job.

"Fuck it." Zim closed his eyes and wished them away. He didn't even bother to focus on this one. Wherever he wanted to go, time would toss him somewhere else. All he knew was that he had to get away from the dragon.

When he opened his eyes the dragon was still there, but the field was gone. Instead he found himself confronted with a group of people, one of which was—of course—Sean Connery. There was also a brash-looking young man by his side and a giant CGI fellow.

"Shit," ZIm said. "THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN."

Bond smiled, looking at Allan Quartermain. "I like his shtyle."

"NO!" Zim yelled. "Not again! I won't have this be word for word!"

Without warning he squeezed his eyes shut again, and when he looked around he saw a familiar sight: a whole bunch of guys in flimsy red outfits which showed off their hairy chests. They each wore a mask which matched the giant stone head floating above them.

"Didn't I make sure this future didn't happen?" Zim muttered.

"You have been raised up from Brutality to kill the Brutals who multiply and are legion," the giant stone head roared. "To this end Zardoz, your God, gave you the gift of the gun. The gun is good!"

"The gun is good!" the crowd shouted.

"The penis is evil! The penis shoots seeds and makes new life to poison the earth with a plague of men as once it was. But the gun shoots death and purifies the earth of the filth of the Brutals. Go forth and kill! Zardoz has spoken!"

The stone head vomited guns and ammo, and the men in red went wild, all except for one who removed his mask and revealed himself to be . . . Zed.

"Bruni would love this," Zim said to Ando.

"Who?"

"Never mind. Let's just get out of here."

Zed lifted his gun and aimed it at Zim. Bond leapt into action with his own pistol and fired several times at Zed. Zed, who was no Dr. Forrester, managed to dive out of the way. Both Connerys blasted away at each other, and Quartermain joined in with his own gun. Draco sailed overhead breathing fire on the guys in red.

"This is too fucking much," Zim said. "I can't keep doing this. For all I know we'll wind up with HIGHLANDER Sean Connery next."

"Maybe the one from THE ROCK would be useful," Ando said.

Zim uttered a small laugh. "You're okay, Ando. These guys suck, but you're not too bad." And then a horrifying thought occurred to him. "Wait! How many Jeff Goldblums did we get before they all joined as one and tried to kill us?"

"Five, I think," Ando said.

Zim looked around and counted. "Bond, Forrester. Hey, Forrester's dead. Does he count?"

"His body is still there," Ando said.

"Okay. Then there's Draco, Quartermain and Zed. Fuck! That's five!"

Zim looked out at the battlefield once again to see that the Sean Connerys were shaking and melting. They slowly turned into puddles and came together, using Draco as their frame.

"Oh shit. I don't know if I can do this again," Zim said.

"What the fuck is this, now?!" Noah yelled.

The giant Sean Connery took shape, and he grabbed the Zardoz head, which he then put over his face. As he loomed over Zim, ready to crush him underfoot, Zim realized what he needed to correct. He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping he could wish them back to Kyoto in time to save the world again.


	18. Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17

ZIM'S GREAT SACRIFICE

Zim opened his eyes and found himself back in Kyoto, and when he looked around he realized that he was precisely at the moment he needed to be to put right what he'd accidentally put wrong the first time he'd come to this place. There was Past Zim, and he pulled an arrow from his shirt where it had just missed his body. Behind him was Takezo Kensei, squatting down, unaware of how close he was to death.

Above Present Zim was the giant Sean Connery, his foot poised, ready to come down at any moment. The transport through time and space had left the monster a bit off balance, but now he was ready to end Zim's life.

Drawing his sword, Zim jumped free just in time. The foot came crashing down, splitting the ground beneath it. Zim stumbled, but he managed to stay on his feet as he rushed toward the past version of himself. He watched Past Zim as he examined the arrow that had almost killed him. Then, carelessly, he threw it behind him, unaware that Kensei was back there.

"No!" Zim threw his sword in a last ditch effort to stop the arrow from meeting its target.

Much to his surprise the blade tinked against the arrowhead, and both weapons fell to the grass, impotent to flesh. The world shimmered, and Zim found himself as Past Zim. He turned and saw that Kensei was alive and well, if a bit drunk.

The giant Sean Connery was gone. Noah, the Haitian, Nathan, Hiro, Ando and Angel were still there. He guessed that was because one way or the other, he had visited the future to save Fitz and had picked them up for the journey. Whatever. He didn't know what the fuck was going on.

But he knew he had to save Yaeko and kill Wells again. There she was, once again being attacked by a group of samurai. And there was Hiro, about to come to her rescue. No way. That was definitely not going to happen.

Zim rushed forward, sword drawn, and just as he had before he dispatched all of the assailants. They fell to pieces around him while Hiro busied himself with the leader of the opposing army. Grinning, Zim approached Yaeko and hugged her. She praised him in Japanese yet again.

As soon as he felt the air stir behind him, Zim disengaged from Yaeko and removed Wells's head from his body before he had the chance to say anything. "I'm getting really good at this stuff." Wiping at the fresh blood on his face. And then he realized something that horrified him: in going back to save Kensei, he changed the course of history. Therefore HE NEVER FUCKED YAEKO! He'd managed to pull off a quantum cockblock.

He had to rectify this immediately. "So Yaeko. You wanna bang or something?"

"There you are." Noah approached them. "I don't know what you did, but I think you finally got something right. We have to go back to our time and put a stop to Sylar."

"sure," Zim said. "Give me a few minutes. I'm with my girlfriend."

"The fate of the world hangs in the balance," Noah said, "and you want to get LAID?!"

"I'm fast. It won't take more than five minutes."

Noah lifted his gun and pressed it to Zim's forehead. "We'll be going now."

A gasp came from Wells's head. "With this, my last breath, I curse you, Cris Zim. Your dick will fall off, and your balls will wither if you do not put right what once went . . . WRONG!"

Noah blinked. "You just grew a soul patch."

Zim grimaced. "Goddammit. If you didn't have a gun to my head, I could have stabbed his head before he finished. Now I'm cursed again."

"It doesn't matter. Get us to the New Jackson Hotel. Now."

"What about Fitz?" Zim asked.

"I think we already saved him," Noah said. "That's why we're still here. Stop wasting my time, Zim. We have to go. Now."

Zim sighed. "Fine." He closed his eyes and concentrated on the picture Noah had showed him. This time, when he opened his eyes, they were standing outside the hotel in question, and a heavy-set man rushed up to Noah.

"You're here! Thank God!"

He was accompanied by a skinny guy who stepped forward and embraced Nathan. "Good to see you, bro."

"Peter," Nathan said.

"Peter Pat-rell-i!" Hiro exclaimed. He threw his arms up in the air.

"We don't have time for introductions," Parkman said. "Noah, I just heard in my head that Sylar is in Texas. With Claire."

Noah's face went white. "No. Not my Claire-bear."

"Who's Claire?" Zim asked.

"My daughter."

Zim wondered if she was hot. Judging from Noah's ugly face, she probably wasn't, but didn't beauty skip a generation?

Noah frantically flipped through his wallet until he found what he was looking for. He held up a picture to Zim, showing off a nice home with a family standing in front of it. There was Noah and a woman who had to be his wife. She held a stupid looking dog in her arms. Then there was Claire, who was indeed hot. A bit young, but the picture was old. Zim prayed she was 18 or older.

"Please, Zim. Teleport us here. Right now. Help me save my daughter."

After having seen Claire, Zim had no choice but to agree. "We're on our way."

He couldn't help but notice that every time he got cursed, he had one good teleport in him before the curse took effect. He had already used it, so he hoped nothing wrong would happen this time. Hell, what more could he put right by this point?

He squeezed his eyes shut and hoped for the best.


	19. Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

SUCCESS . . . BUT NOT ENOUGH OF IT

When Zim opened his eyes he saw the house Noah had showed him in the picture, and he thought it was a miracle. He felt like doing that "Yatta!" thing that Hiro liked to do. Could it be that his troubles were finally over?

No. Angel screamed and started smoking. It was then that Zim realized that it wasn't as cloudy in Texas as it was in Chicago. The Haitian tried to cover him up, but it was no good. The blazing sun set fire to Angel, and before he could so much as run for cover he exploded into ash, and his sword thumped to the grass. The Haitian, who was standing so closely to Angel, caught fire himself, and he ran around the yard trying to put himself out. Everyone stared in horror as he finally succumbed to the flames and collapsed into a heap of burning flesh.

"Whoops," Zim said.

Noah didn't have time to chastise Zim; his daughter's life was at stake. He rushed toward his house, gun drawn, while the others stared in shock at Angel's passing.

"Wow," Parkman said. "That's really unfortunate."

"Yeah," Peter said. "They were the strongest guys we had."

"You should have heard Angel talking about this guy," Nathan said. He pointed to Zim. "According to Angel, Zim screws everything up. And now Angel's dead." He bent down and scooped up a handful of ashes. He let them sift through his fingers and blow away on the breeze.

"I didn't mean to," Zim said.

"You don't mean to do a lot of things, do you?" Nathan asked.

"It's okay," Ando said. "It's not your fault."

Parkman straightened out. "Shit. Something's going down. We gotta get inside and back Noah up." He rushed toward the house, and the others followed . . . except for Zim. He stared after them, wondering if it was cool to teleport back home. After all, he'd managed to move through space without attracting another actor with a ridiculous voice. Maybe he was cured . . . ?

He touched the soul patch, and he sighed. No, he had to do something. He ambled toward the house, drawing his sword, ready to kick ass so he could get this whole thing over with.

The first thing he noticed was Claire Bennet. She was dressed like a cheerleader, although she did look eighteen, which was a plus. She was even hotter in person, except the top of her head had been removed, and Sylar was pulling out pieces of her brain. Still, she was pretty hot.

Noah shouted incoherently, his gun up and pointed at Sylar. The Petrellis stood nearby, and Nathan tried to reason with the villain. Hiro's eyes were closed, and his cheeks shuddered. Ando shouted in Japanese. Parkman's eyes were wide, and he seemed to be in a staring contest with Sylar.

And then blood started pouring from his nose. From his ears. From his eyes. He collapsed, and Zim didn't think he was breathing.

Zim lifted the sword, blade pointing at Sylar. "Okay, asshole. It's time to end this. I've dealt with a lot of shit because of you, AND I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT! I will have a fucking nap today!"

Sylar looked at Zim, smiling. "You'll have a nap, all right. When I'm done with you, you'll be able to sleep forever. But first . . ." He held up a hand and moved it to the side. When he did this Zim's sword moved over to Noah's direction.

"No!" Noah screamed. He tried to fire the gun at Sylar, but he was too late. Zim lunged forward at Sylar's urging, and the blade cut both of Noah's hands off, sending the gun clattering into the corner. Noah's sweaty, strained face looked shocked, but his daughter was in danger. He was ready to do whatever it took to save her.

Noah roared and rushed Sylar, ready to bite the villain's throat out, but he didn't make it that far. Sylar moved his hand again, and Zim chopped Noah's head off. For a moment the decapitated body still moved forward, intent on ending Sylar's life, but by the time it reached him, it collapsed, shuddering.

"No," Claire cried. "You . . . killed . . . my . . . father."

"Yeah," Sylar said. "And I'm not finished."

"You are now," Peter said. "Guess what, fucker: I just took your power. I can do the same thing you can do." He held up his finger and drew it to the side. A red line opened in Sylar's head, and blood dribbled down toward his eyes.

"You think that scares me?" Sylar asked. "I now have Claire's power. I can heal myself. I also have a few other gifts. Try this one on for size." He flicked his fingers forward, and Peter screamed. He doubled over, holding his belly as blood oozed between his fingers.

"Peter!" Nathan yelled. "What's going on?"

"He's turning me inside out," Peter said. He fell to his knees as his skin got sucked into his belly button and his guts fell out all over the floor.

"No!" Nathan flew forward, ready to beat the shit out of Sylar, but once again the villain had the upper hand. He held up his hand, and Nathan was pushed against the ceiling so hard that his head exploded and blood rained down on the carpet.

"Holy shit," Zim said. "You killed them all."

"Not yet," Sylar said. He moved his hand, and Zim's sword turned him around so he was facing Hiro and Ando. Ando looked like he was ready to shit himself, but Hiro was too busy trying to stop time to notice anything else.

Zim felt himself pushed forward, and there was nothing he could do to stop himself from thrusting the katana into Hiro's belly and drawing it up, spilling his insides all over the floor. Hiro's eyes popped open, and he looked so sad that Zim almost cried. Hiro gasped out his last breath and slid backwards off the sword.

"No!" Ando screamed. He wasn't grief-stricken for long. Sylar moved his hand, and Zim's sword lopped off Ando's head, sending it across the floor like a rolling rock.

"Thank you, Mr. Zim," Sylar said. "You have proved most useful. However, I must have your power." He lifted a finger, and Zim felt the pain cut into his forehead again.

How could he have fucked up so badly? This wasn't how it was supposed to go. Was he screwing up the space/time continuum again? Was this something he'd have to fix later?

No. Zim got the distinct impression that he was just simply going to die this time. There was nothing he could do about it . . . No, that wasn't true. He could teleport. But that would probably lead to another Goldblum/Connery disaster.

Fuck it. It was worth it. He squeezed his eyes shut, and when he opened them he was in what looked like a wrestling arena. On one end was . . . Jesse "The Body" Ventura? He looked like a kid dressed up as a robot, covered in silver-painted cardboard. He was being cheered on by the crowd as Captain Freedom. Why? Was he going to be the next actor?

Zim went through his mind, trying to figure out what movie this was, but he didn't have to wonder for very long. When he turned around he saw Arnold Schwarzenegger dressed in some kind of jumpsuit. Only then did he realize who his next actor was, and what movie he was stuck in. THE fucking RUNNING MAN.

Ben Richards and Captain Freedom clashed, and Zim started sobbing into his hands.


	20. Chapter 19

CHAPTER 19

THERE ARE THREE OF THEM?!

Schwarzenegger and Ventura battled each other, and for a moment Zim thought it was just some high-tech kind of wrestling, but then the weapons came out, and it became clear to him that it was a fight to the death. Luckily neither of them noticed him, so he retreated to the corner of the arena and started pondering his situation.

The reason nothing had gone wrong with his last teleport was because he'd done nothing wrong yet. The reason he was here now was because Sylar used him to kill all of his companions. Which meant that he had to put this right somehow.

How? Well, he had to show up before Past Zim and his team, but how would he get the drop on Sylar? The guy seemed to know everything, and there was no way he could be surprised. This task was impossible! Zim dropped his face into his hands in despair. He was never going to get back home. He would never take a nap again. He'd been jumping through space and time for quite a while now, certainly more than a day. He felt weary, but that was nothing new.

He heard approaching footfalls, and he looked up just in time to see the two warriors were coming closer. Neither seemed to notice him, but it was too late to get around them now. Their very, very sharp weapons came a bit too close, and Zim closed his eyes and willed himself away.

When he opened his eyes he found himself in just about the strangest bar he'd ever seen. This place looked kind of like the Mos Eisley Cantina, except with a shitload of neon. The people around him seemed vaguely human, and . . . WHOA! Zim's attention was sucked in by a woman who walked around with the front of her shirt open. She had a wonderful rack, but she had something Zim had never seen before: THREE TITS! He wanted to reach out and squeeze the middle one to make sure it was real.

The sounds of a struggle tried to pull his focus away from the three breasts, but it was unsuccessful. Not even when Ben Richards grabbed his arm and pulled at him did he look away.

"Who da fuck ah youah?" Ben yelled. "What did youah do to me?!"

"There's three of them," Zim whispered.

Someone fell into Zim's path of vision. Actually, the person was thrown. And he was thrown by what looked like an old lady who was now surrounded by men with guns. The old lady's head then came apart in segments, and Zim realized it was some kind of disguise. When the person inside lifted the robot head off his shoulders, Zim realized he'd seen all of this before. TOTAL fucking RECALL.

Hauser flung the head into the crowd, and it exploded as he made his getaway. Richards shook Zim again. "What da fuck was dat?! He looked like meah!"

"He was," Zim said. He considered just teleporting out of here, but the woman with three tits was still there, and she wasn't panicking like the others. He started making his way toward her when Richards pulled him back.

"Bring me bahck!" the Running Man demanded.

"In a minute," Zim said. "I want to talk to her."

Richards gave a weird, strangled roar and slapped Zim across the face. Shocked, he fell to the floor, and for the first time in his life he actually saw stars circling his head. His neck felt like it had been twisted around backwards.

"Take me bahck NOW!" Richards yelled.

"Fine! Jesus! That chick has three boobs! You don't want to talk to her?"

"I don't ceare!" Richards said.

Zim sighed as he stood, wondering why he couldn't have wound up with William Shatner. He thought he could take a few Shatners talking to each other if he needed to. The Schwarzeneggers would be too dangerous.

He closed his eyes and hoped he didn't wind up in BATMAN AND ROBIN. He didn't think he could take Freeze.

When he opened his eyes he found that he was in a jungle, and Richards and Hauser were both around him. They each grabbed an arm and started shaking him. "Where de fuck are we nowah?!" they both yelled in unison.

Jungle. Well, it could be one of two options: COMMANDO or PREDATOR. _Please be COMMANDO_. The thought went through his head over and over again, but when he saw the three red dots on his shirt he knew where he was.

"Fuck," he whispered. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"


	21. Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20

ZIM'S EPHIPHANY

Both Ah-nulds grabbed Zim and shoved him to the ground. "GET DOWWWWWWWWWWN!" they shouted in unison. Something zapped through the air where Zim had been standing. A tree behind him exploded.

A third Ah-nuld—Dutch—leaped down from a tree with a roar on his lips: "AAAAAAUGHAUGHAUGHA!" He hit the ground rolling and came up in a crouch, machine gun ready, aiming at the treetops.

"What da fuck is this?!" Ben yelled. "Anotha one?!"

 _Shit_ , Zim thought. This was the third Schwarzenegger, which meant that he had two more to go before he reached critical Ah-nuld. Truth be told, he didn't think there was any way he'd be able to face off against a giant Schwarzenegger. Which meant that he had to come up with a solution here and now. How could he surprise Sylar?

Something heavy thumped to the ground, and Zim saw the air shimmer in a vague humanoid shape. Dutch whirled around and emptied his gun into this spot. Sparks flew, and the predator's cloaking device frazzled out. It stood very clearly in front of all three Ah-nulds. It reached out and grabbed Dutch by the throat.

"You're one ugly motherfucker," the predator told him in a drab, empty voice. It sounded like a recording.

"Get us out of heah!" Hauser roared. "NOWAH!"

"But . . ." Zim trailed off, not knowing how to explain about what would happen if he did that.

"NOWAH!" Ben shouted.

Dutch kicked and flailed, and it looked like the predator was about to win. That would only be something else Zim would have to fix, so he figured he might as well teleport. He closed his eyes and wished them away from this horrible place.

When he opened his eyes he was confronted immediately with the new Schwarzenegger, but it was the absolute last Schwarzenegger he'd expected to come across. At first he was confused, since Danny DeVito was also there, but they weren't dressed in their white suits from TWINS. Then he realized the two had made another movie together, which explained why this Ah-nuld looked a bit fat.

"Shit," Zim said. "We're in the world of JUNIOR."

"Who da fuck is this nowah?!" Ben Richards shouted.

"Hello," JUNIOR Schwarzenegger said. "My name is Dr. Alex Hesse. Pleased to meet youah."

At least this world didn't seem very dangerous. The Ah-nulds started arguing among one another, trying to figure out who was whom and what the fucking deal was. Zim thought now would be the best time to slip away, before any of them could demand that he take them back to where they belong.

He found a bench nearby and started thinking.

Five months later, Dr. Hesse gave birth to his child, and Zim finally figured out what he needed to do. Living in this world wasn't all that difficult. Most of the Schwarzeneggers had moved on and gotten jobs in the military, but Dr. Hesse let Zim live with him while he figured out what he was going to do. Zim got a job flipping burgers, but most of the time he slept. He took many naps, which he figured made up for a lot of the crap he'd put up with recently.

But he wanted to go home. Dr. Hesse's bed wasn't very comfortable, and working at McDonald's sucked. Besides, they didn't have the real internet in this world, which meant he couldn't play FINAL FANTASY, and he couldn't see if anyone had been looking at his profile on . He couldn't teleport out because he was on his last Schwarzenegger. One more and he'd have to deal with the giant Ah-nuld.

So he had to figure out how to defeat Sylar, and the inspiration came as he watched Dr. Hesse give birth through a hole cut into his taint. He didn't want to see this happen, but it was the price of staying at Hesse's place: he had to videotape the birth, and on a huge, clunky Camcorder, no less.

As Ah-nuld cradled his blood and shit covered baby, grinning down at it, Zim realized what he must do. The one and only way to end Sylar's life.

"Okay, this thing's done," Zim said. He put the Camcorder down on the bed. "I gotta go."

"Wheah are you going?" Dr. Hesse asked.

"I have to put right what once went wrong. Good luck with the kid, Ah-nuld."

"That's not my neame."

Zim closed his eyes and prepared to save the world, as per usual.


	22. Chapter 21

CHAPTER 21

HOW FAR WILL ZIM GO TO GET HOME?

"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"You're crowning!" the doctor shouted. "Keep pushing!"

The woman on the bed scrunched her face up and pushed harder, trying to eject her baby and end the pain as soon as possible. She accidentally took a shit while she did this, but she'd heard that was normal, so the doctor probably wouldn't be offended.

"You're almost there! The baby's head is out! All you have to do is push the shoulders out, and I can do the rest!"

She roared again as tears and sweat and snot ran down her face, and her hair turned into a stringy mess. Her vagina felt like it had been hit by a garbage truck, and she just wanted this horror to be over. Of course, the father was a deadbeat, and he was nowhere near this hospital room. Who knew where he was? For all she knew he was dead in a ditch somewhere. He would never meet his son, Gabriel Gray.

Her pudendum snapped, joining vagina and asshole, and Gabriel finally slipped into the world. The doctor slapped the baby's bottom, and he started crying.

"Congratulations, Ms. Gray," the doctor said. "You're the mother of a beautiful baby boy." He held out her son, wrapped up in a towel like a burrito, and she lifted up her hands to hold him for the first time.

The air shimmered, and a man dressed in rags with short hair and a soul patch appeared out of nowhere. He looked disoriented for a moment, but when he opened his eyes a smile brightened his face. When he saw the child he laughed. "Yatta!"

"You can't be in here," a nurse said. "This is a sterile environment!"

"I'll leave in a second." Zim pointed to the baby. "Is that Sylar?" Then he shook his head, remembering that Sylar wasn't the guy's real name. "I mean, Gabriel?"

Ms. Gray took her child. "How did you know my baby's name?"

"Good. I finally got you, fucker!" Zim drew his katana and without hesitation cut the baby's head off at the neck. It popped off without much resistance, and it rolled across the floor to Zim's feet. He picked it up, giggling. "Bet you didn't see that coming!"

Ms. Gray looked at her decapitated baby, a blood fountain spouting at the neck, and she screamed. The doctor ran to the comm and demanded security. The nurses shrieked and scattered, trying to avoid the madman with the sword and the baby's head.

Only then did Zim realize the insanity of what he'd just done. Was he truly this desperate to win? To get a nap in his own bed? Guilt wormed into his belly as he realized he'd just murdered a child, even though he knew this kid would grow up to become one of the most powerful monsters in the world.

He heard the clomping of feet down the hallway, and he knew it was time to escape. He kicked through the door, forgetting that he was still holding baby Sylar's head, and he ran as fast as he could. People shouted for him to halt, but he ignored them as he ran through the rat maze of corridors.

Then he saw a really cool looking trench coat hanging on a hook outside a room. It looked sweet, and he thought it might disguise him, so he stopped long enough to put it on.

"You! Stop!"

It didn't work. They were too fast, and as he turned—sword in one hand, baby's head in the other—he saw that they'd drawn their guns.

"Put down the weapon, scumbag!" one yelled. "Or I will blast you out of your fucking shoes!"

How could this have gone so wrong? He'd saved the world by cutting this baby's head off. Yet he still had the soul patch, so there was something else he had to put right. What else could it be? Why couldn't he just go home and sleep forever? That's what he really wanted to do after all this. But something told him his slumber would always be haunted by the baby he killed.

"I won't tell you again, you baby-killing piece of shit! Drop it, or I'll drop you!"

"There's no place like home," Zim whispered.

"That's it, fucker! You're toast! Fire!"

Zim squeezed his eyes shut as he heard a volley of gunshots, waiting to be torn apart and sent off to his final resting place.


	23. Chapter 22

CHAPTER 22

WHAT GOES AROUND . . .

Nothing happened. Bullets didn't rip into Zim's body. All was quiet. Cautiously Zim peeked through one of his eyes and saw that he was no longer in the hospital. Now he stood in the parking lot of a bar, and he remembered that his friends wanted him to show up for drinks tonight. He was back in his own timeline, at long last.

There was a clock mounted on a building nearby, and he saw it was probably time for last call. Most of Fitz's friends would be gone. Fitz and Brandon had to be the last ones there, and maybe Bruni would be there, too. By this hour, he was probably Future Booze Jesus.

He sighed when he noticed that he was still holding the sword and the baby's head, and when he touched his face he felt the soul patch. It was covered in blood. The baby's neck sure had spouted a lot of the red, red kroovy.

It was a bit chilly out, and Zim was pleased to discover that the trench coat also came with a hoodie on the inside. He pulled it up over his head, concealed the sword and head in his coat and entered the bar.

Inside he met his friends, shocked them with his new appearance (and the items in his coat), and then he launched into his long sad story. As he told it the guilt over what he'd done to baby Sylar overcame him. His words were dragged out of him as he thought about cutting the baby's head off with his katana. Was he a hero for this deed? Or a villain?

He thought it would be the latter, and he had to live with that for the rest of his life.

He considered all of his adventures, about all the people who had died because of his ineptitude. He'd traveled through time over and over again, so who knows how many things he'd ruined? Who knew what this world was really supposed to be like? Maybe there was world peace in a universe that hadn't been fucked with by Zim. Could he have screwed up that badly? Once upon a time someone had told him he would be remembered as Zim the Courageous. If only that person could see him now.

Only then did he realize what he needed to do to put right what once went wrong. He shuddered to think of the task and what would happen as a result, but it was the only way to put the world back in order, to what it was meant to be.

"Dude!" Brandon said. "Are you serious? You killed a baby?!"

"It was going to grow up to be a monster," Bruni said. "I don't see the problem with this."

"Things could have changed!" Brandon said. "Did you think that maybe you could have guided him to much better decisions? I think that would be a much better choice, don't you?"

"Remember, we are talking to Zim," Bruni said.

"I don't have time for that shit," Zim said.

"Yeah," Fitz said. "He needs a friggin' nap."

"I do, actually. A long one."

"You mean, it'll take you twenty hours instead of the customary twelve?" Fitz asked.

Zim scowled. "You know what? I hate you guys. A lot."

"Then why do you hang out with us?"

"I don't know. Sometimes you guys kind of force yourselves on me."

"You're making it sound like we're raping you," Bruni said.

"With your presence, yes. AND I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT! Do you know how many times I've saved the world? And this is the crap I have to deal with?"

Fitz and Brandon exchanged a glance, grinned, then turned to Zim. Both gave the Fitz Whistle in unison, and Bruni laughed.

"That's it!" Zim yelled. "I'm done! Fuck you guys! You won't have me to kick around anymore!"

"Dick Nixon said the same thing," Bruni said. "He went on to become president after he said that."

"You guys are going to miss me when I'm gone," Zim said. "You're going to wish I was around so you can make fun of me."

"Come on, Zim," Fitz said. "We're just fucking with you."

"Shut up! All you care about is your stupid fucking rent!"

"Well . . ." Fitz nodded.

Zim kicked his chair back and gave the one-finger salute to everyone at the table.

"Zim," Brandon said, "need I remind you that you MURDERED A FUCKING BABY?!"

"Fuck you." And Zim stalked off, trench coat flapping behind him. He left the baby's head on the table, but he took the sword with him.

Bruni poked the head. "I think this thing's for real."

"Don't touch it, then," Fitz said.

Outside, in a fit of rage, Zim closed his eyes and wished himself back to when he was a kid. He knew the moment he wanted. There was once a time when his parents weren't paying much attention to him, and he always played in a shadowy corner in the backyard. Sure enough, there he was. Little Past Zim, playing with G.I. Joe toys.

The only way to ensure that the world moved on as it was supposed to was to remove himself from the space/time continuum. That way everything would go back to normal. Sure, Zim himself would be dead, but so what? He liked to consider it a long nap. Besides, why not save himself from being subjected to shitty friends like Fitz, Brandon and Bruni?

He didn't want to get the kid's attention. He wanted it to be quick and painless. Drawing back the katana blade he took aim at the back of the kid's neck. Without a second thought he brought the sword down, and the alternate universe ended.


	24. Epilogue

EPILOGUE

ON EARTH-1

Angel and his team did, indeed, come to Lisle, and every single one of them made it back to LA alive. Doc Brown continued to live on and invent wonderful technologies. Though the Zardoz future never happened, Snake went on to pull off many more escapes, and Bill and Ted had many adventures in their phone booth. Far in the past Chester Goode died a peaceful death at an old age while Gil Favor went on to head 'em up and move 'em out for many years to follow. All the cannibals, pirates and Native Americans Zim had killed died anyway, but they managed to have meaningful lives before they shuffled off the mortal coil. Fitz, Brandon and Bruni lived their lives having no idea as to how many times they'd died because of Zim's foolishness. And in the far future H. George Wells descended into the world of the Morlocks and saved his Weena. They were married and lived happily ever after.

But DD survived like a cockroach, and the universe wept for this sad oversight.

CRIS ZIM WILL RETURN . . . but I'll be fucked if I know how. Stay tuned!


End file.
